i. my autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and i'm feeling personally attacked.
ii. EXCUSE YOU. i wasn't convicted of a felony, i just committed one.
iii. he keeps trying to sext me and all i can do is respond with descriptions of what i'm eating.
iv. i'm somewhere between crying and wanting to fist fight a homeless man. it's been a weird day.
v. translate this into russian*, please: "my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again i will slap you"
( *feel free to substitute for language of choice )