[ but there was probably nothing to be done about that. he'd needed the time to get over lorna and get past the hurt and betrayal she'd left him with. he'd needed the time to open his eyes again, see the world around him and not be so tunnel visioned on one person.
the fact that she'd waited that long was nothing short of a miracle. she didn't have to. she could have moved on and forgotten about him at any time. ]
Longer than I'm worth. [ he knows what argument's going to come from her but he's not going to be convinced. she was worth more than him. ]
Don't, [ a soft rebuke, but she doesn't push too hard. they both share the same self-sacrificing tendencies, she knows that much, and convincing him isn't something she particularly wants to do with words. if she has to show him how much he means, there are better ways to do it. ] You're killing the mood, Diaz.
[ there. a kinder way to shift the conversation. her hand reaches again to squeeze his own, the other reaching out to brush a bit of dust or dirt from his cheek. ]
Don't tell me you came over and interrupted my YouTube hell spiral to kiss me once and then bail.
[ but his point stood. she was, by far, a better person than he was. would she argue? yes. didn't matter, she wouldn't convince him otherwise just like he knows that he wouldn't convince her otherwise. it would be a circular argument that they'd probably tire of and just fall asleep.
or she would, at least. ]
Do I look like I'm going anywhere? Just had to be said.
You look like somebody who's not kissing me anymore.
[ unacceptable, really. her thumb grazes his cheek just once more before dropping to curve across his jaw, fingertips sweeping through the hair at the nape of his neck. there's not much to it, no more than a gentle bit of pressure, but it's hard to miss. ]
We can argue about it later. [ look, she's willingly dropping an argument without demanding she be right. please recognize this for the miracle it is and act accordingly ]
[ he's not really that sorry at all. it's not like they don't have time especially now with things starting to slow down. sure, there was the manner of whatever clarice had seen through the portal to deal with but they could rest for at least a day.
so, he takes his time with leaning back in and capturing her mouth with his in another kiss.
[ if their luck holds, they will get one whole day of rest — one whole day, if daisy has any say in it whatsoever, that will remain entirely in this bed. apologies in advance to anyone who might go looking for her.
but she's not that sorry. not really. not when his mouth is soft and warm against her own, not when his breath huffs against her cheeks as he leans in, sending shivers down her back that pull her in just that much closer. it's really hard to be sorry when all she wants to do is map out his mouth with a sweep of her tongue, just in case.
when she does have to breathe, regrettable as it is, daisy hums out, ] Next time, lead with the kissing.
[ will there be a next time? a question that sends a spike of uncertainty through her, but she's ignoring it, pushing it away, in favor of diving back in. ]
[ what their next time would look like, he has no idea. but he didn't come here with the intention of just kissing her once, getting it out of his system and walking away. ot doesn't really work that way for him.
he reaches up and presses his thumb against the edge of her chin before pulling back a little more to get a better look at her. ]
I promise.
[ he puts a hand over his heart and nods. ] One hundred percent and all that.
Okay, [ and it is. it really is, because she believes him when he speaks. without thinking about it, without questioning or curiousity, she's always been able to believe in him. ] Anything else you came here for, beyond getting to first base?
[ kissing is still first base, right? ]
I mean, I did kind of spill my guts for you before we got so rudely interrupted.
No, this was...this was the only reason I came by. Or, well, I did want to check on you and see how you were feeling and to see what Caitlin said.
[ that had actually been the main reason he'd come by tonight. because if she hadn't been good or if she'd been upset or still confined to a bed, he wouldn't have said a thing to her or tried anything. ]
Oh. [ part of her wonders if she should consider that literally. that kissing her — knowing she'd be interested, knowing she'd be open to it — was the only reason, without any sort of emotional component whatsoever; she wonders if she should interpret that as admission that he was taking advantage of a good opportunity when one hadn't come his way in a while.
it's a sobering thought, and daisy sinks back onto her heels after a moment or two, her eyes dropping for a brief second before glancing back up to his. she's not going to let herself be melodramatic about this. she knew well before she ever said anything that it was unlikely for him to feel anything in return, and that hasn't changed. ]
I'm not going on any raids for a while, but I'm not on bedrest either. [ could be worse, could be better. ] I can't complain about the company, though.
[ all right, something he'd said hadn't been the right thing. she sinks down from him and looks away before getting a hold of that reaction and looking back. maybe that would have fooled someone else but he's known her too long to know that he hadn't stepped on a mine that was ready to go off if his next step wasn't disarming it. ]
What?
[ he tries to catch her eyes again, get her to talk to him. ]
What did I say? [ he settles back on his heels, creating some distance between them. ]
It's — [ nothing, she nearly says, but his eyes catch hers with a sincerity she can't quite ignore. can't just brush aside or push past like it doesn't matter, because he does matter. her feelings might be delicate and temperamental in the wake of self-sacrifice, but that doesn't mean ignoring his.
she blows out a breath, buying herself a little time, before answering the question. ]
I didn't expect anything before. I just — I figured everything would kind of go back to normal after that. [ and it had, for the most part. at least right away. ] But now you're kissing me and I don't know if that's because you just want to kiss me or because you feel some kind of something that you didn't say before or you just want to kiss somebody and you know that I want to kiss you …
[ she's running out of breath and steam and bravery all at once ]
[ he shoots her a look before he shakes his head, feeling a little — he doesn't know what her words make him feel. he doesn't even know if he deserves to feel anything. she'd been the one admitting things, not him so maybe this kind of deduction is only natural. ]
Come to you just because I need warm body? Take advantage like that?
[ she knew him better than that, didn't she? knew better than to think he'd toy with anyone's feelings like that let alone hers. ]
No. [ she does know him better than that. ] I don't know.
[ she wants to say there's no way anyone would do that — but yet, on some level, daisy feels like maybe she has. unloaded emotions onto him when they're both sensitive and reeling from loss, emotions that he might have otherwise been more capable of breezing past. she worries that, maybe, she's manipulated him a little in this. ]
You said — you said you came to see me, to make sure I was okay, and that was all. I didn't know. [ whether you came to say something back, or whether you decided to kiss me out of the blue. ] I don't know how you feel.
You're not just a warm body to me. I wouldn't do that to you. [ he wouldn't do that to anyone but especially not her. ]
I'm sorry that I haven't said enough. [ but between the argument about her not sacrificing herself for him and the constant stern statements about her being nothing, he thought she would have understood. ]
You're important to me. And I know you're going to say that everyone's important but no. It's not the same. Everyone is important but not like you. Why do you think I don't want you jumping in front of bullets and bombs for me? Why do you think I want you getting out alive? Because I don't want to be in a world where you're not around.
[ it's not the same, but the words feel heavy, like a thick blanket settling over her lap, warmth blooming across her limbs. they're far apart, but that's easy to remedy; it doesn't take much for daisy to crawl forward until their knees bump, or for her hand to reach out to seek one of his. ]
You're never going to convince me, you know. [ not to take a bullet for him. not to protect him with every breath left in her body. doesn't matter how many times he kisses her or how many nice words he says, she'll still be stubborn. ] But maybe we could avoid situations where it's a one or the other scenario?
[ and thus avoid the argument. ]
And maybe you could kiss me more often than when I have a concussion. You know, just for starters.
[ he hadn't planned on this being a one and done thing. he wasn't just going to get his cake and then bail once he'd gotten a taste. he doesn't really know what a future for them holds, how this is going to work, if it's going to work but there's no way to answer those questions unless you tried.
and he wants to try. ]
I'd planned on that. Well, I'd hoped for that but I can't really put it into effect until you're recovered. So, it'll be kissing with a concussion until then. Hope you don't mind.
[ she doesn't quite laugh, but a huff of air blows out and a hint of a smile plays at her lips, so maybe it's almost one. it's probably better that she doesn't laugh too much, anyway; too much loud noise might impact her concussion. ]
I guess that's okay. For now. [ but not forever. if she's on concussion duty forever, she might start a one woman revolution. ]
Were you hoping for anything else beyond concussion kissing?
[ because this was all very new and very unfamiliar. that wasn't a bad thing, not at all, but he wants some time to get used to her, to know her, to see her in ways that he hasn't before. he doesn't want to rush something. ]
When you're feeling better? Well... [ he trails off and shrugs. ] Guess we'll have to see what happens.
[ but she's not complaining. no, there's a warmth to the words even as she lets herself settle back onto the bed, and a welcoming pat on the sheets next to her. if he wants to lay down, he'll have to suffer through her very determined brand of cuddling. ]
Come on. [ don't leave her to be cold all by herself in this bed, marcos, that's just not fair. ] You can catch me up. Caitlin said Clarice came back, right?
[ as in, from the portal adventure with john and co ]
[ but he moves to take off his jacket, tossing it into a nearby chair so he can flop down on his back and stretch out. he waits for her to get settled, shifting his arms and legs to make room before he sighs. ]
She did, yeah. I haven't had a chance to talk to John much but it's apparently...it's hard to explain. It should be impossible to explain even. But, she's alive which is the important part. Where she came from isn't good though.
[ they've never quite laid like this — even though there's nothing inherently illicit about laying together fully clothed, it's more intimate than resting her feet in his lap when they're all on a couch together or resting her head against his shoulder when they're sharing the backseat of one of the underground's suvs.
daisy doesn't hesitate, not really, but there is a beat of awareness as she adjusts, her body lifting to lay back down against his own. her head rests against the nook of his chest and upper arm, her hand draped against his chest beside it.
it's probably for the best, though. she can tell from the way his voice tightens that the information he has to share won't be easy, and maybe if he doesn't have to look at her, it'll help. ]
They didn't tell me much. John wanted to be with Clarice and Lorna's dealing with a lot. But, whatever's on the other side of her portal is bad. Destruction. Fire. Death. I don't know how or why. I don't think they do either.
[ he sighs and reaches up, letting his fingers trail up and down the arm she's draped over him. ]
Something bad happened. Clarice has managed to find people there which is why she's still alive and okay but I don't know the specifics of what caused everything to be so bad. As far as we know, Reed stopped the worst of it from happening. So, I don't...know.
Caitlin told me about Reed. I — [ felt guilty. how many times had she apologized to caitlin while the woman was trying to gauge her condition? too many. and how many times had caitlin shook her head, insisted it wasn't daisy's fault? every time. did that mean daisy had accepted it? nope. not in the slightest. ] I feel terrible.
[ and she would, for a long time to come. that guilt wouldn't wash away any time soon. ]
We're going to have to go through. [ not a question. ] We have to help those people.
It was his choice. There was nothing you could have done to change his mind.
[ and he'd probably saved them all. his loss would be felt for a long time but he'd sacrificed himself so they could continue on. is it worth it? right now, it doesn't feel like it but it was reed's choice and marcos respects that. ]
I know. We will. But we need to make sure it's safe. No one's going through without the okay from those that have been through already. We can't risk lives.
[ he wants to help too but they've been so decimated on this side that they have to be careful. if they send people there, then there's no one left here to keep things afloat. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ but there was probably nothing to be done about that. he'd needed the time to get over lorna and get past the hurt and betrayal she'd left him with. he'd needed the time to open his eyes again, see the world around him and not be so tunnel visioned on one person.
the fact that she'd waited that long was nothing short of a miracle. she didn't have to. she could have moved on and forgotten about him at any time. ]
Longer than I'm worth. [ he knows what argument's going to come from her but he's not going to be convinced. she was worth more than him. ]
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[ there. a kinder way to shift the conversation. her hand reaches again to squeeze his own, the other reaching out to brush a bit of dust or dirt from his cheek. ]
Don't tell me you came over and interrupted my YouTube hell spiral to kiss me once and then bail.
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[ but his point stood. she was, by far, a better person than he was. would she argue? yes. didn't matter, she wouldn't convince him otherwise just like he knows that he wouldn't convince her otherwise. it would be a circular argument that they'd probably tire of and just fall asleep.
or she would, at least. ]
Do I look like I'm going anywhere? Just had to be said.
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[ unacceptable, really. her thumb grazes his cheek just once more before dropping to curve across his jaw, fingertips sweeping through the hair at the nape of his neck. there's not much to it, no more than a gentle bit of pressure, but it's hard to miss. ]
We can argue about it later. [ look, she's willingly dropping an argument without demanding she be right. please recognize this for the miracle it is and act accordingly ]
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[ he's not really that sorry at all. it's not like they don't have time especially now with things starting to slow down. sure, there was the manner of whatever clarice had seen through the portal to deal with but they could rest for at least a day.
so, he takes his time with leaning back in and capturing her mouth with his in another kiss.
the argument could wait a bit. ]
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but she's not that sorry. not really. not when his mouth is soft and warm against her own, not when his breath huffs against her cheeks as he leans in, sending shivers down her back that pull her in just that much closer. it's really hard to be sorry when all she wants to do is map out his mouth with a sweep of her tongue, just in case.
when she does have to breathe, regrettable as it is, daisy hums out, ] Next time, lead with the kissing.
[ will there be a next time? a question that sends a spike of uncertainty through her, but she's ignoring it, pushing it away, in favor of diving back in. ]
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[ what their next time would look like, he has no idea. but he didn't come here with the intention of just kissing her once, getting it out of his system and walking away. ot doesn't really work that way for him.
he reaches up and presses his thumb against the edge of her chin before pulling back a little more to get a better look at her. ]
I promise.
[ he puts a hand over his heart and nods. ] One hundred percent and all that.
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[ kissing is still first base, right? ]
I mean, I did kind of spill my guts for you before we got so rudely interrupted.
[ sorry cait... you did kinda ruin the mood... ]
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[ that had actually been the main reason he'd come by tonight. because if she hadn't been good or if she'd been upset or still confined to a bed, he wouldn't have said a thing to her or tried anything. ]
But nothing else.
[ he shrugs. ]
I just wanted to see you.
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it's a sobering thought, and daisy sinks back onto her heels after a moment or two, her eyes dropping for a brief second before glancing back up to his. she's not going to let herself be melodramatic about this. she knew well before she ever said anything that it was unlikely for him to feel anything in return, and that hasn't changed. ]
I'm not going on any raids for a while, but I'm not on bedrest either. [ could be worse, could be better. ] I can't complain about the company, though.
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What?
[ he tries to catch her eyes again, get her to talk to him. ]
What did I say? [ he settles back on his heels, creating some distance between them. ]
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she blows out a breath, buying herself a little time, before answering the question. ]
I didn't expect anything before. I just — I figured everything would kind of go back to normal after that. [ and it had, for the most part. at least right away. ] But now you're kissing me and I don't know if that's because you just want to kiss me or because you feel some kind of something that you didn't say before or you just want to kiss somebody and you know that I want to kiss you …
[ she's running out of breath and steam and bravery all at once ]
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[ he shoots her a look before he shakes his head, feeling a little — he doesn't know what her words make him feel. he doesn't even know if he deserves to feel anything. she'd been the one admitting things, not him so maybe this kind of deduction is only natural. ]
Come to you just because I need warm body? Take advantage like that?
[ she knew him better than that, didn't she? knew better than to think he'd toy with anyone's feelings like that let alone hers. ]
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[ she wants to say there's no way anyone would do that — but yet, on some level, daisy feels like maybe she has. unloaded emotions onto him when they're both sensitive and reeling from loss, emotions that he might have otherwise been more capable of breezing past. she worries that, maybe, she's manipulated him a little in this. ]
You said — you said you came to see me, to make sure I was okay, and that was all. I didn't know. [ whether you came to say something back, or whether you decided to kiss me out of the blue. ] I don't know how you feel.
[ about me ]
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You're not just a warm body to me. I wouldn't do that to you. [ he wouldn't do that to anyone but especially not her. ]
I'm sorry that I haven't said enough. [ but between the argument about her not sacrificing herself for him and the constant stern statements about her being nothing, he thought she would have understood. ]
You're important to me. And I know you're going to say that everyone's important but no. It's not the same. Everyone is important but not like you. Why do you think I don't want you jumping in front of bullets and bombs for me? Why do you think I want you getting out alive? Because I don't want to be in a world where you're not around.
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You're never going to convince me, you know. [ not to take a bullet for him. not to protect him with every breath left in her body. doesn't matter how many times he kisses her or how many nice words he says, she'll still be stubborn. ] But maybe we could avoid situations where it's a one or the other scenario?
[ and thus avoid the argument. ]
And maybe you could kiss me more often than when I have a concussion. You know, just for starters.
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[ he hadn't planned on this being a one and done thing. he wasn't just going to get his cake and then bail once he'd gotten a taste. he doesn't really know what a future for them holds, how this is going to work, if it's going to work but there's no way to answer those questions unless you tried.
and he wants to try. ]
I'd planned on that. Well, I'd hoped for that but I can't really put it into effect until you're recovered. So, it'll be kissing with a concussion until then. Hope you don't mind.
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I guess that's okay. For now. [ but not forever. if she's on concussion duty forever, she might start a one woman revolution. ]
Were you hoping for anything else beyond concussion kissing?
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[ because this was all very new and very unfamiliar. that wasn't a bad thing, not at all, but he wants some time to get used to her, to know her, to see her in ways that he hasn't before. he doesn't want to rush something. ]
When you're feeling better? Well... [ he trails off and shrugs. ] Guess we'll have to see what happens.
[ he wants more. of course he wants more. ]
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[ but she's not complaining. no, there's a warmth to the words even as she lets herself settle back onto the bed, and a welcoming pat on the sheets next to her. if he wants to lay down, he'll have to suffer through her very determined brand of cuddling. ]
Come on. [ don't leave her to be cold all by herself in this bed, marcos, that's just not fair. ] You can catch me up. Caitlin said Clarice came back, right?
[ as in, from the portal adventure with john and co ]
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[ but he moves to take off his jacket, tossing it into a nearby chair so he can flop down on his back and stretch out. he waits for her to get settled, shifting his arms and legs to make room before he sighs. ]
She did, yeah. I haven't had a chance to talk to John much but it's apparently...it's hard to explain. It should be impossible to explain even. But, she's alive which is the important part. Where she came from isn't good though.
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daisy doesn't hesitate, not really, but there is a beat of awareness as she adjusts, her body lifting to lay back down against his own. her head rests against the nook of his chest and upper arm, her hand draped against his chest beside it.
it's probably for the best, though. she can tell from the way his voice tightens that the information he has to share won't be easy, and maybe if he doesn't have to look at her, it'll help. ]
What do you mean, not good?
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[ he sighs and reaches up, letting his fingers trail up and down the arm she's draped over him. ]
Something bad happened. Clarice has managed to find people there which is why she's still alive and okay but I don't know the specifics of what caused everything to be so bad. As far as we know, Reed stopped the worst of it from happening. So, I don't...know.
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Caitlin told me about Reed. I — [ felt guilty. how many times had she apologized to caitlin while the woman was trying to gauge her condition? too many. and how many times had caitlin shook her head, insisted it wasn't daisy's fault? every time. did that mean daisy had accepted it? nope. not in the slightest. ] I feel terrible.
[ and she would, for a long time to come. that guilt wouldn't wash away any time soon. ]
We're going to have to go through. [ not a question. ] We have to help those people.
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[ and he'd probably saved them all. his loss would be felt for a long time but he'd sacrificed himself so they could continue on. is it worth it? right now, it doesn't feel like it but it was reed's choice and marcos respects that. ]
I know. We will. But we need to make sure it's safe. No one's going through without the okay from those that have been through already. We can't risk lives.
[ he wants to help too but they've been so decimated on this side that they have to be careful. if they send people there, then there's no one left here to keep things afloat. ]
But we will help.