[ i love you. three words, eight letters but with a power that he can't even deny. it makes him stop breathing for the barest of seconds, makes him blink a little quicker and makes his heart thump so loud he swears she has to be able to hear it. when, he wonders, was the last time he heard that seriously before today? two decades maybe before his family had fallen apart.
he can't remember. he doesn't even remember how his mother's voice sounded when she said those words.
but he wouldn't forget this. ]
Not in a class.
[ he could not do that. there was nothing wrong with those that felt comfortable working on their abilities in a public space but he doesn't. not this power. ]
I am not trying to shut you out. [ he's trying...to protect her. and she's telling him she doesn't need it and it's an irresistible object meeting the immovable force. ] I wanted to keep that side of me away from you.
[ the anger, the violence, the darkness, the aggression. ] I don't want you to see it.
I didn't mean in a class. [ was that not obvious? ] Just you and me.
[ the way they do everything. together. in private. the world doesn't need to know, they don't need to explain, they just are. she'd never expected him to want to share something like this with other people. ]
But you don't have to hide that from me, you know. [ it's not exactly a secret, first of all. but more importantly: ] I mean it. There's nothing you can do or say that's going to make me change my mind. I promise, I'm way more stubborn than you are.
[ he says it quietly but not resignedly. he doesn't feel like he's giving up or giving in. he just feels like he's failed at helping himself so maybe she'll be able to see something that he hasn't. the worst thing that could occur is that he's right back here, feeling anger pulse through him with no outlet. ]
I'm still not...certain how you plan on teaching this sort of thing but you can try. [ she could try and he would do his best to follow through on anything she asked of him but he was wary. control wasn't a trainable thing for most. the kgb used it as an extra motivator, getting him riled up and sending him into the field because it was beneficial to them. ]
I'm not afraid of you changing your mind. [ except... ] All right, I am. It is nothing against you. I don't think you are that type of person but I know what type of person I am.
[ it's not a mystery. she's spent how many days in how many weeks in how many months getting to know him, learning about him, unearthing parts of his life bit by bit. he doesn't need to tell her about what he's done — she's seen it.
she's seen it in the way his hands had so expertly snapped the neck of that soldier, an image seared into her memory by fear and panic (and a little awe, though she hasn't yet admitted that to herself). she's seen it in the way he doesn't quite know how to relax, as if always waiting for the next order, the next disaster to strike and require a response. she's seen it in the way he asks for permission before touching her sometimes, as if expecting her to change her mind.
but she hasn't, and she won't. ]
You're a giant pain in the ass sometimes. You're headstrong and stubborn and impossibly certain of things even when you're wrong. You're unbearably chivalrous sometimes, stoic and serious and — honestly, I've never met anybody who's ever infuriated me the way you do sometimes.
[ but, and it's an important distinction, a clarification she hopes he hears. ]
But you're also kind, and generous, and loyal — and you care, you care so much. You're endlessly careful with me even when I drive you up the wall, and I know I do, you don't have to tell me I don't. Because I'm not any easier to like, Illya. I know I'm not. I boss you around and get mad about nothing and I don't always know how to hold my tongue or back down from a fight — but you... you never left. You've been my constant.
[ she smiles, then, soft and sincere and gentle. ]
I've never had a place I called home before this. But this? Being here with you — it feels like it could be.
You see me...so much better than anyone else has ever seen me. [ and he marvels at that. how she can look so different to one person in comparison to every other person on his life. how they can look at him and want to leave and she can look at him and tell him in the bluntest of terms that she's going nowhere and that's all there was to it.
he swallows and reaches down to curl his fingers around her hand. this might be the longest conversation they've had without it becoming physical since meeting. there was nothing wrong with that either (he quite enjoyed the physical aspect of their relationship) but this was probably needed.
overdue. a way to finally clear the air on certain questions and create more for them to answer in the future. ]
I won't leave. [ now he was the one making promises that he knows he might not be able to keep. he cannot control this place and its whims but he has a choice. for once, he has a choice and he is not going to leave. ]
I'm here. [ he'd used those words before, he realizes. when this whole thing between them had been starting to build into something more intense, something deeper. ]
You frustrate me almost on a daily basis but even if I was angry with you that I could not even think, I won't leave. Maybe I would go for a walk but I would come back. And I would make sure you were all right. And that you knew I was there.
[ that would be his goal. if she wasn't here with him, he would make sure she knew that he was still here. thinking about her while being all right and in one piece. he would make sure that peace of mind was always there. ]
Well, it probably helps that you're not terrible to look at. [ a tease as her hand adjusts, fingers threading through his and squeezing gently, resting the twined palms against his chest.
the lightness fades — not in her eyes or her expression, but in the tone of their conversation — as he says those words again. i'm here, right here, right now. they didn't have much, but their relationship, who they were to each other — it had proven an anchor in a place that capsized anything either of them knew, and each time he said those words, daisy felt it burrow just that much deeper in her heart.
it wasn't the apartment or the key or the drawer he cleared out for her that won her over. it wasn't a toothbrush on the counter or a space made on the bed. it was his presence, his constant presence even in the worst moments, that pulled her in.
he'd saved her life, but more importantly, he'd given her something to have a life for. something beyond a job or a responsibility, something that was purely for her. ]
I believe that is a compliment so thank you. [ not terrible to look at was more than he'd heard from almost anyone else in the past few years of his life. he cares about his appearance in that he has to look put together for work and it is a routine for him now.
although some of that routine has been changed with his arrival here. he can't even remember the last time he'd had facial hair this long. it was still unfamiliar to make choices just for himself. ]
Oh, I know you will frustrate me. And you will make me angry. But, I do not care. I'll still be here. There are many things I struggle with here, in this city and with the new path my life has taken but that is not one of them.
Maybe I cannot make other choices very well but I've made this one. This is what I want. [ the plainest, bluntest way he's ever said that, he thinks. he remembers how persistent she'd been with trying to get what he wanted out of him in the past but maybe a switch has been flipped or maybe he is just more comfortable admitting something like this to her now. ]
All of it. [ whatever happens. the good and the bad. ] I want that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
he can't remember. he doesn't even remember how his mother's voice sounded when she said those words.
but he wouldn't forget this. ]
Not in a class.
[ he could not do that. there was nothing wrong with those that felt comfortable working on their abilities in a public space but he doesn't. not this power. ]
I am not trying to shut you out. [ he's trying...to protect her. and she's telling him she doesn't need it and it's an irresistible object meeting the immovable force. ] I wanted to keep that side of me away from you.
[ the anger, the violence, the darkness, the aggression. ] I don't want you to see it.
no subject
[ the way they do everything. together. in private. the world doesn't need to know, they don't need to explain, they just are. she'd never expected him to want to share something like this with other people. ]
But you don't have to hide that from me, you know. [ it's not exactly a secret, first of all. but more importantly: ] I mean it. There's nothing you can do or say that's going to make me change my mind. I promise, I'm way more stubborn than you are.
no subject
[ he says it quietly but not resignedly. he doesn't feel like he's giving up or giving in. he just feels like he's failed at helping himself so maybe she'll be able to see something that he hasn't. the worst thing that could occur is that he's right back here, feeling anger pulse through him with no outlet. ]
I'm still not...certain how you plan on teaching this sort of thing but you can try. [ she could try and he would do his best to follow through on anything she asked of him but he was wary. control wasn't a trainable thing for most. the kgb used it as an extra motivator, getting him riled up and sending him into the field because it was beneficial to them. ]
I'm not afraid of you changing your mind. [ except... ] All right, I am. It is nothing against you. I don't think you are that type of person but I know what type of person I am.
[ not an easy person at all. ]
I worry.
no subject
[ it's not a mystery. she's spent how many days in how many weeks in how many months getting to know him, learning about him, unearthing parts of his life bit by bit. he doesn't need to tell her about what he's done — she's seen it.
she's seen it in the way his hands had so expertly snapped the neck of that soldier, an image seared into her memory by fear and panic (and a little awe, though she hasn't yet admitted that to herself). she's seen it in the way he doesn't quite know how to relax, as if always waiting for the next order, the next disaster to strike and require a response. she's seen it in the way he asks for permission before touching her sometimes, as if expecting her to change her mind.
but she hasn't, and she won't. ]
You're a giant pain in the ass sometimes. You're headstrong and stubborn and impossibly certain of things even when you're wrong. You're unbearably chivalrous sometimes, stoic and serious and — honestly, I've never met anybody who's ever infuriated me the way you do sometimes.
[ but, and it's an important distinction, a clarification she hopes he hears. ]
But you're also kind, and generous, and loyal — and you care, you care so much. You're endlessly careful with me even when I drive you up the wall, and I know I do, you don't have to tell me I don't. Because I'm not any easier to like, Illya. I know I'm not. I boss you around and get mad about nothing and I don't always know how to hold my tongue or back down from a fight — but you... you never left. You've been my constant.
[ she smiles, then, soft and sincere and gentle. ]
I've never had a place I called home before this. But this? Being here with you — it feels like it could be.
no subject
he swallows and reaches down to curl his fingers around her hand. this might be the longest conversation they've had without it becoming physical since meeting. there was nothing wrong with that either (he quite enjoyed the physical aspect of their relationship) but this was probably needed.
overdue. a way to finally clear the air on certain questions and create more for them to answer in the future. ]
I won't leave. [ now he was the one making promises that he knows he might not be able to keep. he cannot control this place and its whims but he has a choice. for once, he has a choice and he is not going to leave. ]
I'm here. [ he'd used those words before, he realizes. when this whole thing between them had been starting to build into something more intense, something deeper. ]
You frustrate me almost on a daily basis but even if I was angry with you that I could not even think, I won't leave. Maybe I would go for a walk but I would come back. And I would make sure you were all right. And that you knew I was there.
[ that would be his goal. if she wasn't here with him, he would make sure she knew that he was still here. thinking about her while being all right and in one piece. he would make sure that peace of mind was always there. ]
no subject
the lightness fades — not in her eyes or her expression, but in the tone of their conversation — as he says those words again. i'm here, right here, right now. they didn't have much, but their relationship, who they were to each other — it had proven an anchor in a place that capsized anything either of them knew, and each time he said those words, daisy felt it burrow just that much deeper in her heart.
it wasn't the apartment or the key or the drawer he cleared out for her that won her over. it wasn't a toothbrush on the counter or a space made on the bed. it was his presence, his constant presence even in the worst moments, that pulled her in.
he'd saved her life, but more importantly, he'd given her something to have a life for. something beyond a job or a responsibility, something that was purely for her. ]
I can't promise I won't frustrate you, though.
no subject
although some of that routine has been changed with his arrival here. he can't even remember the last time he'd had facial hair this long. it was still unfamiliar to make choices just for himself. ]
Oh, I know you will frustrate me. And you will make me angry. But, I do not care. I'll still be here. There are many things I struggle with here, in this city and with the new path my life has taken but that is not one of them.
Maybe I cannot make other choices very well but I've made this one. This is what I want. [ the plainest, bluntest way he's ever said that, he thinks. he remembers how persistent she'd been with trying to get what he wanted out of him in the past but maybe a switch has been flipped or maybe he is just more comfortable admitting something like this to her now. ]
All of it. [ whatever happens. the good and the bad. ] I want that.