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[evite]

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texts from the previous evening, vol 2.

[evite]

01. i hope you don't mind if i never tell my boss about this.
02. to be totally honest, i have no idea where i am. but i do know there's a special on margaritas.
03. is no an emotion? because that's how i'm feeling right now.
04. i'm about thirty seconds from blasting a hole into the nearest bank just to make it rain. dolla dolla bills, motherfuckers.
05. for the last time: i'm in a congressional hearing right now, i can't just put you on speaker phone.

05

[shield]

This isn't a congressional hearing, it's a kangaroo court. Just let me give the committee chairman a piece of my mind.

[evite]

kangaroo court?? you have the references of a ninety year old grandmother, rogers.
i've got this covered.

[shield]

I know you do. It's your hack lawyer I'm worried about. He should've killed this line of questioning before it started. What's his number?

[evite]

i'm not giving you his number.

[ honestly, she doesn't trust this hack not to immediately put steve rogers via speaker phone on the stand as if that's somehow a trump card. which... okay, maybe it is, but that's not the point. ]

i swear to god, if you show up in this courtroom in your fucking spandex suit, i will personally declare allegiance to iran on live television

[shield]

It's not spandex.

So then what's your plan for getting out of this?

[evite]

might as well be. i know how that suit jacket fits you.

[ he is a menace. ]

i'll tell the truth. it was just one bank, and i was undercover. what's the worst that could happen?

[shield]

It fits that way because it's tailored.

[ Does the fact that his smedium jogging tees also fit Like That throw a wrench into his argument? No, definitely not. ]

They could try to make an example out of you. Judging by some of the questions today, these congressmen don't seem overly constricted by ethical boundaries.

[evite]

yes, tailored — by a very handsy filipino woman with a hell of a crush

[ not that daisy blames the woman. she has eyes. ]

and do what? make me sign the accords? trot me out on fox news as a scapegoat?
once you get tagged 'destroyer of worlds', 'girl who has a hardon for fucking with capitalism' kind of loses its mojo, you know?

[shield]

Technically my measurements were taken by an artificial intelligence named after Tony's childhood butler via 3D holographic imaging...

[ Robots have eyes too. ]

Okay, maybe I was asking the wrong question. I should have asked what's your plan for quaking your way out of a supermax prison that's almost fully submerged in the Atlantic without drowning yourself and everyone else inside?

[evite]

okay, humblebrag hubert

[ she still hasn't met any of tony stark's robots and she's bitter af about it. ]

my first plan was to hack the white house wifi and issue a presidential pardon via twitter
plan b is to ask natasha to break me out
plan c through y involve variations on 'seduce guards, steal ships'
plan z is the captain america appeal to public decency, but i'm saving that for last on purpose

[shield]

I can't tell if I'm more offended by plan B or plans C-Y.

[ Did Natasha break four prisoners out of the Raft armed with nothing but a sassy attitude? ]

[evite]

if i used you for plan b, it would just turn into plan c anyway.

[ not that she'd say no to natasha. quake/black widow is a popular tag for a reason!!! ]

we're breaking for recess soon anyway, think you can hold off on your sanctimonious finger shakes until then?